The purpose of this blog, is to sort my mind out. By writing down my ideas, my thoughts and perceptions. I hope to someday be able to achieve some peace of mind.
We walked down the street surrounded by beautiful trees leading its path to an eternal horizon. We walked hand in hand, heart in heart, soul in soul. We loved. The way we held each others arms with such yearn and passion for one another. One was the other; one could not survive without the other. The sun shone all around us, splashing rays of its light in to our view. It started to rain droplets of gold and crystals while the sun continued to sparkle its splendor smile. We ardently stared into the fire in our eyes that only burned for one another.We held each other tight as we continued to walk down that blissful eternal road. We walked, hand in hand, heart in heart, soul in soul.
(poem or whatever you may call it, inspired by a dream I had last night, I love it when it rains and the sun is still shining)
From that point I saw another isle to the eastward, at eighteen leagues' distance, to which I gave the name of Hispaniola. I went thither and followed its northern coast to the east, as I had done in Juana, one hundred and seventy-eight leagues eastward, as in Juana. This island, like all the others, is most extensive. It has many ports along the sea-coast excelling any in Christendom — and many fine, large, flowing rivers. The land there is elevated, with many mountains and peaks incomparably higher than in the centre isle. They are most beautiful, of a thousand varied forms, accessible, and full of trees of endless varieties, so high that they seem to touch the sky, and I have been told that they never lose their foliage. I saw them as green and lovely as trees are in Spain in the month of May. Some of them were covered with blossoms, some with fruit, and some in other conditions, according to their kind. The nightingale and other small birds of a thousand kinds were singing in the month of November when I was there. There were palm trees of six or eight varieties, the graceful peculiarities of each one of them being worthy of admiration as are the other trees, fruits and grasses. There are wonderful pine woods, and very extensive ranges of meadow land. There is honey, and there are many kinds of birds, and a great variety of fruits. Inland there are numerous mines of metals and innumerable people. Hispaniola is a marvel. Its hills and mountains, fine plains and open country, are rich and fertile for planting and for pasturage, and for building towns and villages. The seaports there are incredibly fine, as also the magnificent rivers, most of which bear gold. The trees, fruits and grasses differ widely from those in Juana. There are many spices and vast mines of gold and other metals in this island. They have no iron, nor steel, nor weapons, nor are they fit for them, because although they are well-made men of commanding stature, they appear extraordinarily timid. The only arms they have are sticks of cane, cut when in seed, with a sharpened stick at the end, and they are afraid to use these. Often I have sent two or three men ashore to some town to converse with them, and the natives came out in great numbers, and as soon as they saw our men arrive, fled without a moment's delay although I protected them from all injury.
It’s in the moments of utmost despair that one truly finds one self. The moments that push us through the extremities of our hearts, our bodies, our souls… The true test lies within how we deal with difficult situations. Not simply that one overcomes a hard time, but HOW one overcomes. We are all faced with difficult situations; there isn’t a single soul on the planet that has not had to face hardship and the bittersweet hands of time which lead to change. The idea also works with positive change and positive goals, it isn’t simply that one reached a goal, but how that goal was reached. The process work, the “rough copy” as we learned in grade school, is more important than the final piece. The process work which includes battles with oneself, the strive for more, the push, the stress, the focus, the list goes on. All of these things build our character and form our persona. That’s why it’s important to do things joyfully and give our all in every single situation. Our rough copies, do not, I repeat, do not have to be perfect. They are rough copies for a reason, we are simply human, we make mistakes, we learn, we thrive. Instead of trying to go about a difficult situation in the most seemingly conventional, normative way, do it your own way. Instead of reaching a goal the way it worked for someone else, try some new things. We are built differently, with different strengths and means of performing. Lets stop comparing our self to others, lets stop copying, lets stop living other peoples dreams, let’s stop trying to people please, lets stop being selfish, let’s… grow.
No adventure is a good one without a hint of fear in the beginning. Without a sense of danger, a bit of risk our lives would be quite…dull. I’ve spent the past couple of days alone-in a complete paradise. Endless mountains encompass my view, numerous of different species of trees sway in the tropical breeze. The serenity of the rainfall I just witnessed left me without words, just complete awe. Anyway, all this alone time has definitely got me writing, and reflecting on things that I generally don’t have time for in the city. I am completely alone in this beautiful house in the mountains, with all my more-than-basic necessities covered. The only people here are the ones that cook, clean and take care of the house… I basically have my own maid, named Nelly tending to my every “need”. Nelly’s actually making me a steak as I type. (I feel pretty spoiled, but hey, if the services are available use them right..) I was really feeling the need to get out an experience some small town livin’ in a town called Jarabacoa. So I made up some lame story about how I needed to go to the pharmacy and pick of some…of all things…hair mousse ( I could have said Tylenol, but that’s expensive over here) So, the maid set it all up, this guy that worked next door, named “Luisito” would come pick me up in a motorcycle and drive me to the closest town. I grabbed my camera and pesos, Luisito was outside waiting for me, told me to get on and hold on tight. And what a ride it was, open road, mountains, and booths on the side of the street with families selling fresh tropical fruit. Nelly made me the most delicious fruit salad yesterday; I ate it by the pool while working on my tan. One of those moments in life you wish would never end, and wish someone was there to experience it with you. So this motorcycle ride was epic, of course I had a bit of fear at first, driving away with an unknown man, to an unknown place. But hey, as I began this entry, the best adventures commence with a bit of fear and hesitation.
What is anger, what can we blame for it's arousal? Our surroundings, our feelings, emotional imbalances? Lately, i've taken the position of the observer, the observer of my surroundings, people and situations. Not the position of the creep or the stalker, but upon going through my daily routine, i've been observing peoples responses, mainly behavior. The other day I was in Yorkville, in this ritzy french eatery .These two seemingly sophisticated women, started to argue about their place in line. It went like this;
"Excuzme, I was first and you're trying to order first" -"I dont even know you, who are you, I was ordering, you went somewhere else" "I was looking at the menu, blah blah blah" -"blablahblah (angry tone)"
I was surprised, and all I could do was smile, meanwhile both the women laughed it off.. in that rather, I am so embarrassed all I can do is laugh kind of laugh while I squirm out of here(everyone was staring at that point). What happened to common courtesy, etiquette, care for our surroundings. What you give off is what you're going to receive. If you're always frowning, introvertive, expect the same from others. Im not saying that if you're always smiling and out there, you'll get a better response from people. Now a days, people have to wonder, why is she so happy, why is she smiling, why doesn't she have that expression-less face plugged in to I-pod face like the rest of us? Anyways back to my thoughts on anger, lets take a look at the definition..
Anger: a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire.
So anger is characterized as a strong feeling. This raises the following questions; what are feelings, and how are they caused?
As good old 18th century philosopher David Hume puts it, feelings are merely our impressions brought forth by our perceptions absorbed by our senses. So if our feelings are dependent on the external world and processed by our internal world, than we sure as hec of a lot of control over them. We can control, we can mold and we can decipher our feelings. Blatant public displays of anger are inexcusable, sometimes necessary but generally very unnecessary like the one I experienced today. The thing is though, we can control our feelings, but we can't control what happens around us, we can't control other people, events, drama. So, our reactions can be controlled, which is very important because thats where true character and personality lies. Freedom of expression is our right, but when its disrupting others, one just looks foolish.
Okay, so I'm just a extremely fed up with the daily happenings of political matters world wide. Why can't righteous leaders just rise up, take authority, and do it with pride, for the better of society and not the worst. Why does everything have to be about power, money, authority, subjugation, hierarchy? Why does corruption exist, why does poverty exist, why do inequalities exist?...These things are simply our own creations, human created entities that have presided over our societies for long enough, and are only going to get worse. Im mad that friends don't get along just because a particular point of view, we're all human, we're on the same boat till the end, let's make it dandy.. Maybe I'm just dreaming about an ideal world that has never, and will never exist, maybe the world destiny is to go down the shitter because of our own pathetic self interested creations. What happened to love? Maybe we don't quite understand it's meaning, not of the word love but of the act, and all its constituents. To love is to be empathetic, to love is to put others before ourselves, to love is to be completely self less, but lest we not forget to love ourselves. If we don't love ourselves, we will never be able to love someone else.
Im not going to get in to specifics about the political issues that frustrate me the most, which often causes that nerve in the back of my brain to tingle upon seeing or experiencing an unjust situation. I'm not going to do that because one, I'd be here for nights, and two, it is pointless in writing about something that I realistically cannot change. For now at least.
That is why my focus generally goes towards the more enriching things in life, art; music, theater, cultures,the things that make that nerve tingle but in a more exciting way that pleases my passions, of which I have so many of. Even ones that I haven't discovered I'm sure.
What’s the rush; the never-ending rat race that this world seems to always be running is getting exhaustive. There’s a specific time and age for everything, and if you just so bleed to much or too little in to a doing something where it isn’t your appropriate time or age, then you are regarded differently. By not following the normative rules that society has imposed on our day to day lives, we can apparently greatly sever our lives. By going to college at a certain age, getting married at a certain age or owning your first car. Who says that there are different stages you need to cross, or you won’t be ready for the next. Everyone matures at different paces, everyone is different. What happened to thinking for our selves, pushing our selves to do something, truly knowing our capabilities or goals. Rise above the rest, do what’s in your heart, this world is to messed up to go with the flow- or w/the rest of the rats running…What’s the end point anyway? To have lived a fulfilled life, to have started a family, saved up some old age pension and live in Florida half the year? If that’s it, then count me out.
Been a while since my last post, i've been mega swamped with school work lately...I have probably never been more stressed out in my life. It has definitely been the hardest (school) year of my life, but even moving away from school, its been quite the past couple of months. A journey and a half, c'est la vie mes amis.
This takes me to my title "Back to Burma"... SO one of my co-workers grandmother has recently passed away, and he had to go back to Burma, to mourn her death with his family members. It's a really tough when a family member dies, its like a part of you fades away, never to be encountered again, in this lifetime at least. When my grandpa died, I was shattered. I loved him like my own dad, I even called him papa, he was the most perfect grandpa a girl could ever ask for. He would take me to the "finquita" kinda like a mini farm, in his truck, me and all the cousins, would just soak up the tropical Dominican air. Back home we're allowed to ride in the back of the truck, pretty much no laws, I can say that's one of my most fondest memories. Papa got me my first cat, Miguelina, who ran away like all 12 of my past cat's. I love cat's but I guess they don't love me. Well they didnt all run away, one of them got eaten by coyotes, two of them were poisoned by the neighbors, and the rest...ran away or as I was told "got lost". Papa would sit me on his lap, drink his espresso, black, and he'd always hum the same tune. It was our tune, nobody else's. When papa came home from the finquita, he would play dominoes with his friends from the block. It was quite a sight actually, the special dominoe table had room for four, so imagine four old men, all of them shirtless with the clear effects of time and hot sun displayed on their skin, laughing away. On sunday's Papa would take us to Uncle Antonio's house in Juan Lopez, a small town in the mountains, quite the journey actually. At Uncle Antonio's all the kids would run up and down playing in the plantain fields, but I stuck with Papa. I would follow him to the bee hive and he'd give me a whole piece of the hive, ever try fresh honey? Heavenly. We'd bring the honey back to my grandma, where she'd make this delectable mix of lemon and honey, lemons which I hand picked as well...
my youth, long gone, never to be lived again, but to be cherished not completely lost, it still lives on in my memories. I've decided that im going back to Dominican Republic, for two weeks, doesnt seem very long, but when u havent had a vacation, or even a break in over a year, those two weeks sound like an eternity. So in case YOU, whoever you are, i'm sure you're a wonderful person, because you know me! haha no. But uhh, in case you didnt know, Burma is not an actually country any more, it's changed to MyanMar, where the earthquake/tornado/waterflood thing just hit, (i'm really not sure) but a place where some type of natural disaster hit... Point being, it is still being recognized as Burma, when it is in fact MyanMar, so Burma is this non-existent place. Everyone has a Burma, a place where they can go, and feel completely at home, free to bask in memories and love. A place where you go to feel more attuned with your spirit, where your core is flipped inside out and everything becomes so evident. Everything we are, we need, we want and most importantly, every thing we already have.
So i'm goin back to my Burma, should be good, very much needed as well.
I know I need You I need to love You I love to see You, but it's been so long I long to feel You I feel this need for You And I need to hear You, is that so wrong?
Now You pull me near You When we're close, I fear You Still I'm afraid to tell You, all that I've done Are You done forgiving? Oh can You look past my pretending? Lord, I'm so tired of defending, what I've become What have I become?
I hear You say, "My love is over. It's underneath. It's inside. It's in between. The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel. The times that you question, 'Is this for real? ' The times you're broken. The times that you mend. The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend. Well, My love is over, it's underneath. It's inside, it's in between. These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks. The times that you feel like you're falling from grace. The times you're hurting. The times that you heal. The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal. The times of confusion, in chaos and pain. I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame. I'm there through your heartache. I'm there in the storm. My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone. I don't care where you fall, where you have been. I'll never forsake you, My love never ends. It never ends."
Upon looking over the way I usually make choices in my life. I’ve come to realize that I’m very black or white when it comes to my decisions and way of living. Even with the simpler things, I usually choose one extreme or the other. The other day someone asked me, what’s your favourite pizza? I answered, um meat lovers or…vegetarian!! I didn’t even realize they were polar opposites till that person’s reaction. I’m either hot or cold, not warm at all. In every single facet of my life. When I’m serious about school, nothing else matters, when I’m slacking…IM SLACKING. When im focused at work, nobody can come near me, when I’m diddle daddling, im literally just watching everyone do everything… When Im serious about my health, when I’m into someone or something…I tend to give my all, every ounce of my being, or absolutely nothing, zilch, nada.
Is it a lack of balance in my life or just a sense of knowing what I want… Im not sure, but I certainly know that I don’t want to be mediocre…I don’t want to do a half (ass) job on anything. Maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea if I just started to do things a little more relaxed. Maybe then Id get a sense of balance in my life, maybe then things would be…well…balanced… I guess question is;
Shall I strive for greatness, or settle for…balance.?
It’s not everything it seems - the world and its dreams Slipping like water through my hands tonight All the things I thought would fill me up inside Left me empty here - and now I know why
All along I was looking for something else You’re something else All along I was looking for something more You’re so much more I finally found what I could never see before You’ve always been the one that I was looking for
All of my castles in the sand - washed away again And I’m left back where I began tonight The only thing that can ever fill me up Has been right in front of me all the time
I won’t miss you - I won’t miss you this time I say I want you - yeah I want you in my life
Is everything determined by what we say or do, or is it the feeling behind it. The love, the anger, the humility whatever we do, there is a certain emotion backing it up. So it isn’t what we say, its what we feel when we say it. It could be the most simple of phrases, “I like your jeans”, could really mean, wow I’m so attracted to you.... Or it could simply mean, I like your jeans. Nonetheless, people tend to be so censored these days, especially in my city, it is as if showing emotion is disregarded. Im a victim of this aswell although my face usually mirrors my emotion. But in terms of the things I say, I rarely say what I truly want to say. I’m not saying everyone is like this, I often come across the sweetheart who voices out his thoughts, or the asshole in that sense. Yes, we need to control what we say, but to a certain extent. What we say reflects who we are, its not a matter of coming u with an extravagantly structured grammatically correct phrase. It’s a matter of voicing out what you feel. For example, these are the same;
“I really need someone like you” (simple, direct, straightforward) Or “Maybe we should do something sometime” (so indirect, ambiguous, confusing)
Im not saying that this is the case at all times, but it generally is. So does it matter whether we say one or the other, if the only thing that matters is the feeling behind it? Well, yes, because one can evoke a feeling better than the other. We have an extensive vocabulary for a reason. Otherwise phrases would simply consist of, “ I hungry, get food” Or something of the sort. So, say what you FEEL, and use words to describe those precious feelings . Sometimes we need to hold back of course. There are inappropriate situations, moments, and just times for voicing out your heart.
Why and how do things change over the course of a day, you wake up one morning, puzzled, feeling like “who am I, why am I on this earth?” Ever have that feeling?? I certainly have, and it isn’t bad, it’s good but hard to search within yourself, and find meaning, find identity. Two of the hardest things in life, in my point of view. Who am I, what does it all mean, and what am I supposed to do with it all. Should I dwell on my past, or try and change things I don’t like, can I change, will I change?
Change is inevitable, sometimes quick, like a band aid and its all better. Other times its like an infectious disease taking over, and you and only you can decide to fight back and provide yourself with the tools to succeed. Realising that no ones is going to do it for you, no matter how much they love you, in the end it’s all up to you. Before you can really gear up, slap that tack on, get on that horse, you need to have a certain grounding.
You need to ask yourself that question, who AM I, and what do I WANT, more importantly what do I need, although what you need and what you really want are extremely different. One is imperative the other idealist, but both oh so very important. Once that’s established, you can really start to pour your heart and soul into something, and really make a difference. Once that confidence is found, possibilities are endless.
Now, im a pretty spiritual person, not a religious, mass going, hymn singing, confessional booth type of person but simply.…spiritual. I believe there is something more out there. A God, who has eternal love for us, to guide us, if we let him of course. Everything all of a sudden starts to make more sense, meaning is found only in the true meaning. God is truth, God is love, God is reason, nothing else, and nothing more.
Sometimes you find yourself in a weird place. A strange state of mind. How did I get here, in this point in my life? You end up surprising yourself, and who’ve you become. The type of person you once aspired to be is not there anymore, you’re left with the remnants of that person, and the existence of another. Someone unfamiliar, that you secretly…loathe. It’s a terrible way to think, loathing yourself, and the type of human being that you’ve become. Ambitions and goals that were there before cease to be a part of you. You can try so hard to grasp them, reach out, try to remember them. But in the end you have to face your new identity. And in turn, work with what you’ve got, and try and turn things around. Not for people, not for your parents, friends, but for yourself. You cant rely on anyone these days for anything really. Trying to be a self-reliant human being is one of the hardest things to accomplish, because we need people. We are dependent on so many things, and the most important one, which we often take for granted or disregard…love.
Many people confuse love for something that you may find in another human being, to share and connect with someone. This quest to find love, to find meaning for your life, in another person is….quite dependent and ridiculous. Love can be found in a stranger’s smile, a kind hearted action, a nice card, hec even a text msg. The point is, love is all around us, we just need to open our eyes and start viewing life in a different way. Instead of waiting around for something good to happen, make it happen. There is more good than evil in this world, we need to remember that.
Saturday
November 30th 2008
It begins with a choice.
The choice to get up every morning, pick out your clothes, set your mood and throw yourself out there. Into a world where everything is possible and attainable, but, you decide to hold yourself back. Possibilities are endless, in every facet of our lives. You choose to be happy, you choose to be sad, you choose to live, and you choose to die. Now, one could argue that yes, one chooses their own destiny, but it is easy to say that because we do indeed live in North America. The “land of the free”, where commodities, and the whole lot are undervalued, among us of course. We must take a look at the definition of freedom; the state of being free or at liberty rather than in confinement or under physical restraint.
We like to believe that we are independent and free to choose what ever route we please. Is it freedom to wake up in the morning, and be bombarded with major news headlines that were chosen by some wealthy cold hearted money hungry news corporation? How does one attempt to decide what are the major issues globally? And why do we only get to hear about the issues, the problems, the illnesses, the environmental crisis, market crash, aids, poverty, drought, hunger, global warming, species extinction, the list is endless. Then we ask ourselves, why we live in such a pessimistic bitter society where depression, of all things, alcoholism, escapes if you will, are still prominent, and escalating sadly, among the youth. WHO UNDENIABLY HAVE THE POWER TO BRING FORTH CHANGE.
Is it freedom, to wake up and open your wardrobe full of CRAP designed to reel you in, make you think that you’re worthless without it, make you feel like another size, a price tag a colour. Why is it that somebody is judged based on what they wear, and it is undeniable that we all have judged someone accordingly. Friendships based on style. Pathetic. Obviously, we live in a society where consumerism, is how maintain our economy . We all want to live in a prosperous land, where we are comfortable and stable. The idea isn’t to be against clothes, shopping, media, because ill admit, its fun, fresh and full of variety. Choices, choices choices. The problem is, when you let those things take over your life, your essence, your soul.
So many people, base who they are on, what they listen to, what they eat, what, who they talk to, who they work for etc. It is SO easy to find these things, food, outside your doorstep, hand the cash over and get virtually anything you’re in the mood for. No cooking, if you don’t want to, no hunting, no experiencing where the food you’re about to eat comes from. What is actually in it, a whole bunch of preservatives, genetically modified substances, you don’t know. Clearly things such as this are a result of the amazing technological advancements that have taken place over the past 100 years, that I am certainly not complaining about.
Back to the idea of choice, we all have choices that we have made in the past that we are not proud about. Those are called regrets, but to live a life without regrets, without risk would be extremely boring. I would regret not having regrets. The point is not losing you, and not dwelling on those regrets. Move on, try new things, change what needs to be changed and be your ultimate self. That’s what I’m working on, and its not as easy as I thought. In fact it is extremely difficult, letting go of the past.There are things that happen to us that we do not have control over, and those are the things we need not dwell on. There are also those things that happen to us because of what we say, do, or what we don’t say and do. It can be a little nerve racking, and being upset at yourself is one of the worst things in life. It is much easier to be frustrated at someone else because you can easily talk about it, and work things out. But when its with yourself it’s a little harder, that’s why im sitting here, in my balcony, staring at the mesmerizing rain, freezing my fingertips off in this -3 weather trying to sort my mind. Perhaps it would be optimal to talk to someone about this, but when that someone isn’t here, or doesn’t quite understand, because no one can completely understand another person. People may claim to, but it is impossible. We all have had different pasts, events that have determined our personality. Ideas that have been instilled in us that are really hard to remove or yet, try and work past them. Perhaps, not removing those ideas, because that’s living a lie, but using those past experiences and ideals to help form who we in fact are. And what our purpose is on this earth.
