Back to Burma

Been a while since my last post, i've been mega swamped with school work lately...I have probably never been more stressed out in my life. It has definitely been the hardest (school) year of my life, but even moving away from school, its been quite the past couple of months. A journey and a half, c'est la vie mes amis.

This takes me to my title "Back to Burma"... SO one of my co-workers grandmother has recently passed away, and he had to go back to Burma, to mourn her death with his family members. It's a really tough when a family member dies, its like a part of you fades away, never to be encountered again, in this lifetime at least. When my grandpa died, I was shattered. I loved him like my own dad, I even called him papa, he was the most perfect grandpa a girl could ever ask for. He would take me to the "finquita" kinda like a mini farm, in his truck, me and all the cousins, would just soak up the tropical Dominican air. Back home we're allowed to ride in the back of the truck, pretty much no laws, I can say that's one of my most fondest memories. Papa got me my first cat, Miguelina, who ran away like all 12 of my past cat's. I love cat's but I guess they don't love me. Well they didnt all run away, one of them got eaten by coyotes, two of them were poisoned by the neighbors, and the rest...ran away or as I was told "got lost". Papa would sit me on his lap, drink his espresso, black, and he'd always hum the same tune. It was our tune, nobody else's. When papa came home from the finquita, he would play dominoes with his friends from the block. It was quite a sight actually, the special dominoe table had room for four, so imagine four old men, all of them shirtless with the clear effects of time and hot sun displayed on their skin, laughing away. On sunday's Papa would take us to Uncle Antonio's house in Juan Lopez, a small town in the mountains, quite the journey actually. At Uncle Antonio's all the kids would run up and down playing in the plantain fields, but I stuck with Papa. I would follow him to the bee hive and he'd give me a whole piece of the hive, ever try fresh honey? Heavenly. We'd bring the honey back to my grandma, where she'd make this delectable mix of lemon and honey, lemons which I hand picked as well...

my youth, long gone, never to be lived again, but to be cherished not completely lost, it still lives on in my memories. I've decided that im going back to Dominican Republic, for two weeks, doesnt seem very long, but when u havent had a vacation, or even a break in over a year, those two weeks sound like an eternity. So in case YOU, whoever you are, i'm sure you're a wonderful person, because you know me! haha no. But uhh, in case you didnt know, Burma is not an actually country any more, it's changed to MyanMar, where the earthquake/tornado/waterflood thing just hit, (i'm really not sure) but a place where some type of natural disaster hit... Point being, it is still being recognized as Burma, when it is in fact MyanMar, so Burma is this non-existent place. Everyone has a Burma, a place where they can go, and feel completely at home, free to bask in memories and love. A place where you go to feel more attuned with your spirit, where your core is flipped inside out and everything becomes so evident. Everything we are, we need, we want and most importantly, every thing we already have.

So i'm goin back to my Burma, should be good, very much needed as well.

Times-Tenth Avenue North

I know I need You
I need to love You
I love to see You, but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
And I need to hear You, is that so wrong?

Now You pull me near You
When we're close, I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You, all that I've done
Are You done forgiving?
Oh can You look past my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending, what I've become
What have I become?


I hear You say,
"My love is over. It's underneath.
It's inside. It's in between.
The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.
The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '
The times you're broken.
The times that you mend.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it's underneath.
It's inside, it's in between.
These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.
The times you're hurting.
The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache.
I'm there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone.
I don't care where you fall, where you have been.
I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends."

Black or White

Upon looking over the way I usually make choices in my life. I’ve come to realize that I’m very black or white when it comes to my decisions and way of living. Even with the simpler things, I usually choose one extreme or the other. The other day someone asked me, what’s your favourite pizza? I answered, um meat lovers or…vegetarian!! I didn’t even realize they were polar opposites till that person’s reaction. I’m either hot or cold, not warm at all. In every single facet of my life. When I’m serious about school, nothing else matters, when I’m slacking…IM SLACKING. When im focused at work, nobody can come near me, when I’m diddle daddling, im literally just watching everyone do everything… When Im serious about my health, when I’m into someone or something…I tend to give my all, every ounce of my being, or absolutely nothing, zilch, nada.

Is it a lack of balance in my life or just a sense of knowing what I want…
Im not sure, but I certainly know that I don’t want to be mediocre…I don’t want to do a half (ass) job on anything. Maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea if I just started to do things a little more relaxed. Maybe then Id get a sense of balance in my life, maybe then things would be…well…balanced… I guess question is;

Shall I strive for greatness, or settle for…balance.?

Strive for greatness.

Along-Remedy Drive

It’s not everything it seems - the world and its dreams
Slipping like water through my hands tonight
All the things I thought would fill me up inside
Left me empty here - and now I know why

All along I was looking for something else
You’re something else
All along I was looking for something more
You’re so much more
I finally found what I could never see before
You’ve always been the one that I was looking for

All of my castles in the sand - washed away again
And I’m left back where I began tonight
The only thing that can ever fill me up
Has been right in front of me all the time

I won’t miss you - I won’t miss you this time
I say I want you - yeah I want you in my life

On feelings.

Is everything determined by what we say or do, or is it the feeling behind it. The love, the anger, the humility whatever we do, there is a certain emotion backing it up. So it isn’t what we say, its what we feel when we say it. It could be the most simple of phrases, “I like your jeans”, could really mean, wow I’m so attracted to you.... Or it could simply mean, I like your jeans. Nonetheless, people tend to be so censored these days, especially in my city, it is as if showing emotion is disregarded. Im a victim of this aswell although my face usually mirrors my emotion. But in terms of the things I say, I rarely say what I truly want to say. I’m not saying everyone is like this, I often come across the sweetheart who voices out his thoughts, or the asshole in that sense. Yes, we need to control what we say, but to a certain extent. What we say reflects who we are, its not a matter of coming u with an extravagantly structured grammatically correct phrase. It’s a matter of voicing out what you feel.
For example, these are the same;

“I really need someone like you” (simple, direct, straightforward)
Or
“Maybe we should do something sometime” (so indirect, ambiguous, confusing)

Im not saying that this is the case at all times, but it generally is. So does it matter whether we say one or the other, if the only thing that matters is the feeling behind it? Well, yes, because one can evoke a feeling better than the other. We have an extensive vocabulary for a reason. Otherwise phrases would simply consist of, “ I hungry, get food” Or something of the sort. So, say what you FEEL, and use words to describe those precious feelings . Sometimes we need to hold back of course. There are inappropriate situations, moments, and just times for voicing out your heart.

On identity.

Why and how do things change over the course of a day, you wake up one morning, puzzled, feeling like “who am I, why am I on this earth?” Ever have that feeling?? I certainly have, and it isn’t bad, it’s good but hard to search within yourself, and find meaning, find identity. Two of the hardest things in life, in my point of view. Who am I, what does it all mean, and what am I supposed to do with it all. Should I dwell on my past, or try and change things I don’t like, can I change, will I change?

Change is inevitable, sometimes quick, like a band aid and its all better. Other times its like an infectious disease taking over, and you and only you can decide to fight back and provide yourself with the tools to succeed. Realising that no ones is going to do it for you, no matter how much they love you, in the end it’s all up to you. Before you can really gear up, slap that tack on, get on that horse, you need to have a certain grounding.

You need to ask yourself that question, who AM I, and what do I WANT, more importantly what do I need, although what you need and what you really want are extremely different. One is imperative the other idealist, but both oh so very important. Once that’s established, you can really start to pour your heart and soul into something, and really make a difference. Once that confidence is found, possibilities are endless.

Now, im a pretty spiritual person, not a religious, mass going, hymn singing, confessional booth type of person but simply.…spiritual. I believe there is something more out there. A God, who has eternal love for us, to guide us, if we let him of course. Everything all of a sudden starts to make more sense, meaning is found only in the true meaning. God is truth, God is love, God is reason, nothing else, and nothing more.

A strange state of mind...

Sometimes you find yourself in a weird place. A strange state of mind. How did I get here, in this point in my life? You end up surprising yourself, and who’ve you become. The type of person you once aspired to be is not there anymore, you’re left with the remnants of that person, and the existence of another. Someone unfamiliar, that you secretly…loathe. It’s a terrible way to think, loathing yourself, and the type of human being that you’ve become. Ambitions and goals that were there before cease to be a part of you. You can try so hard to grasp them, reach out, try to remember them. But in the end you have to face your new identity. And in turn, work with what you’ve got, and try and turn things around. Not for people, not for your parents, friends, but for yourself. You cant rely on anyone these days for anything really. Trying to be a self-reliant human being is one of the hardest things to accomplish, because we need people. We are dependent on so many things, and the most important one, which we often take for granted or disregard…love.

Many people confuse love for something that you may find in another human being, to share and connect with someone. This quest to find love, to find meaning for your life, in another person is….quite dependent and ridiculous. Love can be found in a stranger’s smile, a kind hearted action, a nice card, hec even a text msg. The point is, love is all around us, we just need to open our eyes and start viewing life in a different way. Instead of waiting around for something good to happen, make it happen. There is more good than evil in this world, we need to remember that.